How to write that awkward email

You are sitting at your computer. You have been here for 20 minutes. The cursor blinks at the end of an email you have just written. And re-written. And re-written again. You know you should hit send, but you cannot stop worrying that one word will be misinterpreted.

I can get it: you are writing an awkward email. It is not even a particularly unpleasant email or an uncomfortable conversation you have to have. It is just that any email stresses you out. You are worried what the recipient will think of you and so re-draft it over and over again.

It happens to all of us. But what do we do about it?

What happens when you fail to click send?

Sometimes, sending an email is easy. There is no chance that your words will be misinterpreted and you can hit the send button without worrying about what you have written.

Other times, there is an emotional attachment to the email. Not a literal attachment; it is all in your head (though it would be cool if we could add an emotion as an attachment). On these occasions, hitting the send button is harder.

We re-read our email over and over again. We ask ourselves questions like:

Have I got the right tone for this?
Have I used the correct words?
Is there anything that could be misinterpreted?
How will the other person read this?
What will the recipient think of me?

We are experiencing stress. All of the thoughts going through our mind make us feel uncomfortable. It is an unpleasant experience.

And then we hide

When we finally do hit the send button, we often hide.

Not literally. We do not climb under the desk (maybe some of us do). But we will hide the screen: we will switch to another window so that our emails are no longer visible. Or, maybe we will leave the computer altogether and get a drink. We were not thirsty before we sent the email: but it is a good excuse to get away.

The reason is that we do not want to look at our email client anymore, in case we get an email back. We are worried that something will have gone wrong. We want metaphorically to hide under the covers.

This is your anxiety talking

Guess what? The feelings you are experiencing are not an accurate representation of the world. They are your anxiety talking. Specifically, it is your social anxiety flaring up.

We are worried what the other person will think of us. We are worried that we will have upset them or made them angry. We are worried there will be a confrontation. We are worried that they will like us less. We may experience one or all of these concerns.

Deep down, we know that most people do not worry about these things. Everyone else would just hit send on an email like that and not stress about the contents.

How do we challenge our thinking?

The first step is acknowledging that it is indeed anxiety that is causing these thoughts. Sure, there is always the chance that someone could misinterpret something. However, that is not the reason we are feeling this way. The reason is anxiety.

At this point, we can challenge these thoughts in the usual way. With socially anxious situations, there are two questions we should ask ourselves:

What are the chances of that happening?
What are the social costs of it happening?

Take going to a party, for example. You may worry that you will get dizzy and pass out and that it would be incredibly embarrassing. However, we know that this is anxiety talking and can ask ourselves the above questions.

What are the chances of it happening? It's possible, but tiny, right? You do not usually pass out when you go to parties. What are the social costs of it if it did happen? Not as bad as we think. We worry everyone would laugh at us. But, when we think about it honestly, we know everyone would be caring and supportive if something like that did happen.

The same rules apply here. What are the chances that someone will misinterpret the words we write? It is possible, but not as likely as our anxiety makes us think. What are the social costs? Not as high as we fear: it is rare that a friendship or work relationship ended because of that email. Even if that ever did happen, it would only come from an email that was deliberately hurtful.

How do we overcome it?

When we find ourselves trapped in these thoughts, we need to challenge them. The first thing to ask ourselves is "is that an accurate representation of the world, or is this my anxiety talking?" Of course, it is the latter.

Second, we should ask ourselves what a muggle would do. Would an ordinary person spend this long re-drafting? The answer is almost certainly not. Reminding ourselves of this can help us click the send button.

Finally, go through the two questions to challenge the idea that the email does need more time and would be a disaster if it was misinterpreted.

Do not spend more time re-drafting email. It does not need it.

You could use CBT techniques, too

In cognitive behavioural therapy, you would set up experiments deliberately designed to test the social costs of these concerns.

For example, if you were worried about being embarrassed while ordering a coffee, you could go into a coffee shop and be rude to the barista. They would still probably be polite and serve you.

You would never do this in the real world, and most therapists would never ask you to do this either. However, some textbooks on CBT suggest it as a good way to challenge those thoughts.

We could do the same thing here: send a rude email to a colleague. See what happens. Does it end up in a blazing argument? Or do they list ignore it? I am not suggesting that you send an email like

"Mike: your face is ugly. Regards, Chris"

But you could send a more direct email than usual. This is an example of a typical email I would send:

"Mike,

Any chance you could have that report by Friday? I'm looking to get the report done over the weekend, so could really use the data from it.

Thanks, Chris

Instead, I could send:

"Mike, I need that report by Friday. - Chris"

It cuts straight to the point. As anxiety sufferers, we would probably feel uncomfortable sending such a terse email. However, the chances are that Mike would just get the report done by Friday and send it to us. It is unlikely to upset him.

Challenging the value of worry

What we are doing here is challenging the value of worry.

We have attached a value to the time we spend re-drafting. We think it is useful and that we have to do it to get along in life.

By sending emails like the one above, we challenge the idea that this constant dithering is time well spent. It is not. Showing ourselves that this is not the case allows us to break the thought process that endless re-drafting is valuable.

Should I ask for a second opinion?

Another option is to ask someone else to look at the email and see what they think. This is an option, but not one I would recommend.

I use this approach from time to time. When I have an email that is genuinely tricky and does need to be especially sensitive to people's feelings, I will get other people to read it. When there is a legitimate concern, it makes sense to get a second opinion.

However, when it is just our anxiety talking, external validation is not a useful long-term strategy. This is because we become reliant on external validation, and never challenge our anxiety.

Having to run every email through someone else is not the situation we want to find ourselves in. Instead, by challenging our internal thoughts, we can learn to send emails more quickly and more comfortably by ourselves.

Should I use humour?

Many people use humour as a defence mechanism, or simply to relieve the tension they feel. If that is you, then use it! Take some advice from Shundalyn Allen from Grammarly.

Go ahead and be comical in your emails and group chats. If even a virtual joke seems too scary, put emojis to work!

Conclusion

It is easy to find ourselves spending a large amount of time on an email, even if it is only one or two lines long. We sit there re-reading and re-drafting every word in an attempt to get it perfect.

We do this because of our social anxiety. We worry what the other person will think of us and how they will react. This is not an accurate view of the world: it is our anxiety talking.

To resolve this, we need to challenge the idea that spending this time is valuable. We do this by reminding ourselves that we are overestimating the social consequences, or by delicately setting up experiments to show ourselves that this is not the case.

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Published 18 September 2017. Written by Chris Worfolk.